Wednesday, September 7, 2011

stained glass masquerade - casting crowns

Monday 7 May 2007
[beginning to lose God and fall into sin, while at Bible School, came across this song that described how I was feeling at the time]
[was chair for the Ladies Committee at Cape Theological Seminary at this time]

Is there anyone that fails

Is there anyone that falls

Am I the only one in church today feelin' so small

Cause when I take a look around

Everybody seems so strong

I know they'll soon discover

That I don't belong

So I tuck it all away, like everything's okay

If I make them all believe it, maybe I'll believe it too

So with a painted grin, I play the part again

So everyone will see me the way that I see them

Are we happy plastic people

Under shiny plastic steeples

With walls around our weakness

And smiles to hide our pain

But if the invitation's open

To every heart that has been broken

Maybe then we close the curtain

On our stained glass masquerade

Is there anyone who's been there

Are there any hands to raise

Am I the only one who's traded

In the altar for a stage

The performance is convincing

And we know every line by heart

Only when no one is watching

Can we really fall apart

But would it set me free

If I dared to let you see

The truth behind the person

That you imagine me to be

Would your arms be open

Or would you walk away

Would the love of Jesus

Be enough to make you stay

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Faith Evans - Hope

Hope lyrics
(feat. Twista)

[Verse 1 (Twista)]
I wish the way I was living could stop, serving rocks,
Knowing the cops is hot when I'm on the block, And I
Wish my brother woulda made bail,
So I won't have to travel 6 hours to see him in jail, And I
Wish that my grandmother wasn't sick,
Or that we would just come up on some stacks and hit a lick, And I (I wish)
Wish my homies wouldn't have to suffer,
When the streets get the upper hand on us and we lose a brother, And I
Wish I could go deep in a zone,
And lift the spirits of the world with the words with in this song, And I (I wish)
Wish I could teach a soul to fly,
Take away the pain out cha hands and help you hold them hi, And I
Wish my hommie Butch was still alive
And on the day of his death we had never took that ride, And I (I wish)
Wish God could protect us from the wrong
So that all the solders that were sent over seas come home
We will never break, though they devastate, we shall motivate,
And we gotta pray, all we got is faith.
Instead of thinking about who gonna die to day,
The Lord is gonna help you feel better, so you ain't gotta cry today.
Sit at the light so long,
And then we gotta move straight forward, cuz we fight so strong,
So when right go wrong,
Just say a little prayer, get ya money man, life go on!!!
Let's HOPE!

[Chorus (Faith Evans)]
Cuz I'm hopeful, yes I am, hopeful for today,
Take this music and use it
Let it take you away,
And be hopeful (hopeful) and he'll make a way
I know it ain't easy but that's okay.
Cause we hopeful

[Verse 2 (Twista)]
I wish that you could show some love,
Instead of hatin so much when you see some other people commin up (I wish)
I wish I could teach the world to sing,
Watch the music and have 'em trippin of the joy I bring, (shiit)
I wish that we could hold hands,
Listen instead of dissin lessons from a grown man, And I (I wish)
Wish the families that lack, but got love, get some stacks
Brand new shack and a lack that's on dubs, And I
Wish we could keep achieving wonders,
See the vision of the world through the eyes of Stevie Wonder, (you feel me) (I wish)
[ From: ]
And I hope all the kids eat,
And don't nobody in my family see six feet, (ya dig)
I hope them mothers stain' strong,
You can make it whether you wit him or your mans gone, And I (I wish)
Wish I could give every celly some commissary,
And the po po bring the heat on them priest like they did R. Kelly, And I
Wish that DOC could scream again
And bullets could reverse so Pac and Biggie breath again, (shit) (I wish)
Then one day they could speak again,
I wish that we only saw good news every time we look at CNN,
I wish that we could never get the blues,
Wish I could bring back the people that died, Eddy too
I wish that we could walk a path, stay doin the right thing
Hustle hard so the kids maintain up in the game,
Let's HOPE

[Chorus (Faith Evans)]
Cuz I'm hopeful, yes I am, hopeful for today,
Take this music and use it
Let it take you away,
And be hopeful (hopeful) and he'll make a way
I know it ain't easy but that's okay.
Cause we hopeful

[Verse 3 (Twista)]
Wish the earth wasn't so apocalyptic,
I try to spread my message to the world the best way I can give it,
We can make it always so optimistic,
If you don't listen gotta live my life the best way I can live it,
I pray for justice when we go to court,
Wish it was all good so the country never even went to war
Why can't we kick it and just get em on,
And in the famous words of Mr. King "Why can't we all just get along",
Or we can find a better way to shop and please, And I
Hope we find a better way to cop a keys, And I
Wish everybody would just stop and freeze,
And ask way are we fulfillin these downfalls and prophecies,
You can be wrong if it's you doubting,
With the faith of a mustard seed you can move mountains,
And only the heavenly father and ease the hurt,
Just let it go and keep prayin on your knees in church!!
And let's HOPE

[Chorus (Faith Evans) X2]
Cuz I'm hopeful, yes I am, hopeful for today,
Take this music and use it
Let it take you away,
And be hopeful (hopeful) and he'll make a way
I know it ain't easy but that's okay.
Cause we hopeful

Monday, March 21, 2011

hold on to hope

in the dark and cold i found a friend.
in isolation i found myself again
pushed to a corner, for trying to help
i found my pursuit for peace
was out of a cry out for love

out of seeking acceptance,
i was met with rejection
out of rejection i found
i sold my worth for nothing
the value i placed upon myself

out of silence, i forced myself to speak
not happy with myself
i found a different person to be
never realising i would hide behind a mask
and reject my core being

out of giving i was spent
out of helping i was hated
no one needs any one and everyone is trying to do every thing alone,
whether  they see it or not
hurt people hurt people

out of brokenness i found,
i was a mere human
limited capacity,
limited energy,
limited. person

out of desperation i found,
something  bigger to hope for
found comfort in that i cannot do this alone
solace in my weakness,
power in greater strength

Someone to be myself with
Someone to understand
and take on my cross
and lift me up
when i was lost

understanding in black holes,
revelation in the valley,

in my investment in life, i found her price,
and paid for the temporary dearly,
in wanting to save the world,
i paid for the depravity of humanity.

in ignorance bliss,
and in reality's wake, understanding.

in experience, difference
and in loss, change.
and in change, i was rewarded with wisdom.

with application,
lessons learnt
and in humbleness,
found love

i can do nothing by myself
i have a purpose
i have a reason
i am entitled to go through my season,
i am loved
and am loveable.
i am worth the work put in
and good will come from that which i given

I met with a psychologist, to gain professional insight , in to why I was reacting, and to what; I was made aware of some key areas I needed to work on: and i believe i am not alone in needing this diagnosis:
= overdeveloped sense of responsibility - trying to save the world. Another word for responsibility = burden.
"take on the worlds  burdens and you will become one"
I tried to help wherever I went, until I sold out and had nothing left to give. And broke my personality [maybe i had a nervous breakdown] , and from stressing for everyone, found myself filled with poison [Fact: stress releases a poison in your brain . so do what you can to counteract - get sun /exercises [releases endorphins = the happy natural chemical in her right amount]; cry [scientifically proven to release chemicals that help = so for those unable to control when they cry, don't feel guilty, its your coping mechanism for surviving. Also look - if you're crying for stupid things, and making big deals of minor issues. you could be hiding bigger issues you are unwilling to face, and you need to vent; so you defer your stress/problems through other things. Which in turn creates issues in new areas. The vicious cycle continues relentlessly. until you see. and action differently. change your approach/environment/thinking/friends even.

"- you fear to believe that you are loveable." different. the black sheep. reject. ugly. outcast. burdened with a deep personality that thinks to serious and deep. people want light hearted. the philosopers and psychologists of the world pay a price for being able to see the best in the world, by being able to see the world. and so have to balance their thinking and llook after themselves first in order to not give up. think of how many psychologists kill themselves. the irony.
i am not perfect. i can never expect to be. accept my mistakes, my weaknesses. my lack of understanding. people who do not accept me, merely do not understand. i cannot judge them for that. and i need not take what they think personally. because thats just plain stupid ;))

- I need to find God again. Each to their own. This is where I am at.
I never want to impose for I know how it feels. I came out of church to where I felt I would prove the Bible wrong, only to find at the end of doing it on my own , that I need something more to believe in. With all my energy spent, my brain fucked, I need God. Because life goes on and I need to get up. I need strength and energy and rest. I have given my list of requests and put things to the test. I have asked him to find me. And have experienced him from a different understanding. Me? the spiritual girl again? Didn't see that coming.
I feel comfort, and peace, in relying on a divine. And could never understand random chance and chaos and the answer.
Everything too perfect, and my senses /intuition too profound. My predictions - where'd they come from. my thoughts? whats behind them? My experiences, all connecting to only make sense when they  need to. Faith, to believe.
Answers to prayer. The end times, the seasons,
I pray with confidence in Him, and for his will to be done. His mercy , his grace, his miraculous and all powerfulness to be shown. - After the world I have been shown, there is no other answer. And all is hopeless if he is not in control.
I did what I could and solved nothing. I still believe i am made to be a difference, but that power is found in him.
This journey I've been through only makes sense with him as the end result,
and my journey going forward will be blessed by his hand being upon it. not to say there won't be black holes, for i need revelations. and as the philosophers encourage - pursue the dark.

to over come you must face.
take off the mask.
be real