Monday, March 21, 2011

hold on to hope

in the dark and cold i found a friend.
in isolation i found myself again
pushed to a corner, for trying to help
i found my pursuit for peace
was out of a cry out for love

out of seeking acceptance,
i was met with rejection
out of rejection i found
i sold my worth for nothing
the value i placed upon myself

out of silence, i forced myself to speak
not happy with myself
i found a different person to be
never realising i would hide behind a mask
and reject my core being

out of giving i was spent
out of helping i was hated
no one needs any one and everyone is trying to do every thing alone,
whether  they see it or not
hurt people hurt people

out of brokenness i found,
i was a mere human
limited capacity,
limited energy,
limited. person


out of desperation i found,
something  bigger to hope for
found comfort in that i cannot do this alone
solace in my weakness,
power in greater strength

Someone to be myself with
Someone to understand
and take on my cross
and lift me up
when i was lost

understanding in black holes,
revelation in the valley,

in my investment in life, i found her price,
and paid for the temporary dearly,
in wanting to save the world,
i paid for the depravity of humanity.

in ignorance bliss,
and in reality's wake, understanding.

in experience, difference
and in loss, change.
and in change, i was rewarded with wisdom.

with application,
lessons learnt
and in humbleness,
found love

i can do nothing by myself
i have a purpose
i have a reason
i am entitled to go through my season,
i am loved
and am loveable.
i am worth the work put in
and good will come from that which i given

I met with a psychologist, to gain professional insight , in to why I was reacting, and to what; I was made aware of some key areas I needed to work on: and i believe i am not alone in needing this diagnosis:
= overdeveloped sense of responsibility - trying to save the world. Another word for responsibility = burden.
"take on the worlds  burdens and you will become one"
I tried to help wherever I went, until I sold out and had nothing left to give. And broke my personality [maybe i had a nervous breakdown] , and from stressing for everyone, found myself filled with poison [Fact: stress releases a poison in your brain . so do what you can to counteract - get sun /exercises [releases endorphins = the happy natural chemical in her right amount]; cry [scientifically proven to release chemicals that help = so for those unable to control when they cry, don't feel guilty, its your coping mechanism for surviving. Also look - if you're crying for stupid things, and making big deals of minor issues. you could be hiding bigger issues you are unwilling to face, and you need to vent; so you defer your stress/problems through other things. Which in turn creates issues in new areas. The vicious cycle continues relentlessly. until you see. and action differently. change your approach/environment/thinking/friends even.

"- you fear to believe that you are loveable." different. the black sheep. reject. ugly. outcast. burdened with a deep personality that thinks to serious and deep. people want light hearted. the philosopers and psychologists of the world pay a price for being able to see the best in the world, by being able to see the world. and so have to balance their thinking and llook after themselves first in order to not give up. think of how many psychologists kill themselves. the irony.
i am not perfect. i can never expect to be. accept my mistakes, my weaknesses. my lack of understanding. people who do not accept me, merely do not understand. i cannot judge them for that. and i need not take what they think personally. because thats just plain stupid ;))

- I need to find God again. Each to their own. This is where I am at.
I never want to impose for I know how it feels. I came out of church to where I felt I would prove the Bible wrong, only to find at the end of doing it on my own , that I need something more to believe in. With all my energy spent, my brain fucked, I need God. Because life goes on and I need to get up. I need strength and energy and rest. I have given my list of requests and put things to the test. I have asked him to find me. And have experienced him from a different understanding. Me? the spiritual girl again? Didn't see that coming.
I feel comfort, and peace, in relying on a divine. And could never understand random chance and chaos and the answer.
Everything too perfect, and my senses /intuition too profound. My predictions - where'd they come from. my thoughts? whats behind them? My experiences, all connecting to only make sense when they  need to. Faith, to believe.
Answers to prayer. The end times, the seasons,
I pray with confidence in Him, and for his will to be done. His mercy , his grace, his miraculous and all powerfulness to be shown. - After the world I have been shown, there is no other answer. And all is hopeless if he is not in control.
I did what I could and solved nothing. I still believe i am made to be a difference, but that power is found in him.
This journey I've been through only makes sense with him as the end result,
and my journey going forward will be blessed by his hand being upon it. not to say there won't be black holes, for i need revelations. and as the philosophers encourage - pursue the dark.

to over come you must face.
deal.
take off the mask.
be real